1. Moderation, moderation, moderation – As every diet book tells you, the key to maintaining a healthy weight while enjoying your favorite foods is moderation. Whether is be Weight Watchers, The Beach Diet or mixing plaid with stripes, less is more. Plato called this ages ago. He preached the benefits of moderation, whether it be in alcohol consumption (see Book One 645d of The Laws or number two of this piece) or ruling over your citizens, a smart wo/man knows that it isn’t about how big the swing is, only whether or not your hit that whack-a-mole.
2. Get drunk while you’re young! – Plato was all about the drunken frivolity. As the man himself said: “You arrive at a disposition of the soul that is the same as the one he had as a young child” (645e). By being a drunken fool, you’re only serving your future self by learning your limits and engaging in the practice of moderation in the future (because no one should be throwing up outside The Duke more than once a semester….).
3. Start a society of your own – The poker playing/beer drinking club you want to start up, do it! Want to create a graphic novel society? Do it! Plato was all about just striking it on your own, working it up from scratch. The Republic alone proves that it works. I mean, nothing bad could have possibly come from that, right? Eugenics anyone?! (and yes, The Republic was indeed written on behalf of Socrates…but I’m pretty sure Plato agreed with the majority of it, he did write the thing after all).
4. “Free Trade” doesn’t work – He called it and don’t we all wish Mulroney listened. That soft wood lumber BS would not have been such a nuisance if we all had just taken a play from Plato’s book and not even bothered.
5. Monetary success is a total sham – Money cannot feed your soul better than a 12 hour walk and talk along a dry road. In fact, too much money means you are a lover of wealth which directly goes against point one. Students, raise a glass!
6. Too much freedom is bad for you – Just ask anyone living under a communist state. Cuba has a pretty high voter turnout, and really, it’s Castro all the way every time. Cleary, they are mucho satisfasido, satifacto.
7. It’s all about the common good – As demonstrated in the classic film, comedy “Hot Fuzz”, the common good is to be upheld at all times. Without persons who are willing to “take one for the team” how do we expect society to progress so rapidly? Really, when you look at it that way, Chernobyl was a positive thing. It taught the world a lesson about nuclear safety. Now we can put nuclear reactors anywhere! Like right here in Canada, next to major cities.
8. Poets are bad news bears – That Bob Dylan characters is no good. Traleck should have ran that cat right out of town. Plato warned us about non-government sanctioned entertainment and the rabble rousing it can induce. With these crazy revolutionary ideas afloat, who knows what will crop up next? Demands for social programs? Feeding the poor? Allowing halfway homes in decent neighborhoods? Poppycock! Those wine swilling, gala attending artsy types are clearly up to no good.
9. Youth have no business being in politics – Young people these days only want to talk about such things as electoral reform and the introduction of policies which are meant to be ‘relevant’ to ‘today’s society’. As Plato points out (repetitively) in his literature the youth are too easily influenced by ideas of change and thoughts of grandeur. If our constitution was good enough for our fore fathers, it should good enough for us (Stevie, amirite?!).
10. Focus on athletics to prevent an excess of sexual need – Girl/boy friend not interested in putting out? Plato recommends hitting the gym to get your sweat on in order to quench that fiery ball of lust that sits inside your loins. This makes perfect sense. After all, there is nothing that gets rid of that sex itch then doing some good old fashioned crunches. The one question that remains, what did those athletes do with the 100 000 condoms they received in the 2008 Beijing Olympics? Balloon animals?